Wheelitus…An Incurable Disease

It’s unfortunate that Wheelitus is such a terrible disease. The general public fear it, as though they too may catch this bug and turn into a mindless wheelie-zombie. Even many motorcyclists have The Fear, believing that it will cost them their money, their sanity, and eventually their life.

wheelies are not a crime


It’s true, unfortunately.

Having been able to avoid this terrible affliction for just over a decade now, I ended up following a little too close to someone who had it… they failed to wash their hands properly and now I’ve got it. And there’s no known cure.

I can’t imagine there being enough funding or grants available for research any time soon. So far, the best I’ve been able to find in the short while I’ve had this disease are several support groups where I can talk about my feelings… and through shared experiences with others suffering from Wheelitus, I can find a way to cope with my new found lifestyle changes.

Groups such as Wheelie for Safety have helped me the most so far. It’s a great place to vent steam when strangers look at me with judgemental eyes…leering at me as if I’m some sort of disfigured freak. Who are they to judge!? It’s not like I have a choice! Amongst friends living with this disease, there is no contempt. There is no judgement. They won’t point at you and stare for being different.

You’re free to live out the time you have left until you’re completely consumed by Wheelitus and the Sausage Creature comes for your soul.

So I urge you, please be careful around those with who’ve contracted Wheelitus. It’s a very serious condition, and you must take certain precautions to avoid contracting Wheelitus. Some of your friends might even have it and you won’t even know.

Some signs of having Wheelitus include, but are not limited to:
– involuntarily making “Yut-uhhhhh” noises
– flat spots on your rear
– unusually large or swollen rear sprockets
– twisting-like spasms in your right wrist
– lack of motivation to turn
– sudden weeping or leakage from your seals
– a sudden desire for attention and to be noticed
– constantly scanning your surroundings for black and white vehicles

If you find yourself exhibiting such symptoms, there’s no need to panic. You may just be a commuter. If you feel you have Wheelitus, and wish to seek help, please visit Wheelie for Safety. The staff and your peers at Wheelie for Safety will be able to better diagnose and perhaps even treat your condition to a tolerable level.

I’ve made a shirt for those of us with this disease so that we may fly our flags proudly! We are not freaks! We are not zombies!

Wheelitus is not a crime!

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11 thoughts on “Wheelitus…An Incurable Disease”

  1. Matt tries to infect me too. My seals are leaking, my wrist twitches on its own, I’m constantly finding myself checking for Five-Oh, I’ve gone from wearing all black gear on a black bike to everything being brightly colored and very noticeable…and I’m always making “yut-ugh” sounds at work! Chan! DAMN YOU CHAN!!! LOL

  2. Matt has been trying to pass this disease on to me for a long time now. I’m pretty sure it’s airborne, because every time he does a wheelie near me, I get a twitch in my wrist. My immune system has been fighting it off so far, but I feel like I’m weakening.

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