The Guided Missile of the Animal Kingdom

Evolution. Science has gone along way in convincing me that we evolved from monkeys or fish or something. I get it, it makes perfect sense. The little talking DNA string from Jurassic Park totally made me understand the whole dinosaur thing. I mean, I am not stupid. I can even see where the bible-thumpers are coming from with baby jeebus pouring wine for the ancient homeless and birthing the world and stuff.

None of this explains the FUCKING SQUIRREL.

crazy squirrel

There are all kinds of roadkill; From armadillos to zebras…Yes zebras…I am pretty sure zebras… Anyway, back on topic: All kinds of roadkill.

Every four legged critter that gets taken out crossing the street is taking a calculated risk. It is crossing the street to better its life the only way it knows how…Except the squirrel. The squirrel has figured out that it can run above the road on powerlines, safely crossing even the busiest of streets high above the flow of animal murder.

Does it always use the powerlines?

No.

Sometimes it runs halfway to the middle of the road, turns around and runs back. This squirrel either remembered it left the stove on, or is fucking with you.

squirrel crossing photo

Sometimes it runs halfway to the middle of the road, (yes, I am aware that I am in effect saying that it is running a quarter of the way across the street) waits for you to get closer, and then continues to cross the street.

This ends either with A) the fuzzy critter making it in front of your bike and burring his nuts safely in the park, B) You grease the poor guy and hopefully do not lowside as squirrels are slippery, or C) the little bastard runs through the 5-hole on your motorbike, making you pee a little.

Sometimes they just run right at you. RIGHT AT YOU. Like they are going to tackle your bike and drag your bloody carcass home to feed it’s family for the winter. Squirrel, you are not a lion.

Today for example:

I know it saw me. It ran down the power pole AWAY FROM THE SAFETY OF THE POWERLINES and then diagonally across the road into the median. I saw it sitting there, in its natural ghille suit, not blending in with the wilting daffodils, waiting for my light to turn green.

It had a full minute to get the remaining 20 feet to safety. Did it go? Not until the light changed. The light turned green, and it took off. Directly at me…head on. I did not hit the little bugger, despite its best efforts.

A wise man once said “If you can eat it in one sitting, do not swerve for an animal in the road” Sound advice. At the last second it channeled its inner running back, put a spin move on me and squirted past.

I saw it laughing on the side of the road in my mirrors. Laughing for joy as it was going to live to cross another street? Maybe. Laughing because it is a maniacal rodent spawned from satan’s hellfire?

Defiantly.

devil squirrel

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